oh my moment

well, found out today that bonehead dwiscon dude is in a weelationship… ugh. it totally pissed me off, im going dry this week. and I really could use a fucking drink and oh well…  it is what it is. maybe it’s a temporaty joke on me, I wasn’t going to get anywhere with him, it would have been sex and more sex with others. thing is she reminds me of a combo of me and Tanya. that’s what pisses me off bleh. anywhay  my mind tells me to shut off all feelings etc… and be stronger. idk what  im gonna do if I should go online dating and just say who and what I am.

in the back of my mind, I want to ask that dwis guy, what and how. oh well it’s not worth it. he’s happy and move on.

I am more worth this girl. she went to school and now is a real estate agent and whatever…  he’s gonna use her too like he did Tanya, or maybe who knows. she may use him! lol.

good thing I wont catch any thing from him… uhg.

day 2 almost.

I’ve been doing good filing up with the fats, but I’m afraid to fill up with sweets! It’s crazy!  I want to and yet I know my insulin resistance may be sacrificed or something. Anyways,  it’s late here…  I have incorporated the 2 liter of water per day,  I must say, I needed it.  Idk why I got so lazy about drinking water.  It’s true, most ppl will lose weight if they UP their water intake. Yea!

On a side note,  I’m going on a trip in about a week and I want to continue to be healthy.  Cool part is less food and more clothes.  Lol. My pcos has always been right below the Damn radar and with that,  I have not had much luck with weight loss.  Seriously,  I tried the cabbage diet,  chromium, Hoodia,  garcinia, atkins… atkins wasn’t bad,  my lifestyle during vacation sucked. I was being selfish and for that,  it is my fault.  Oh well, moving forward 🙂

Day b4 the drops

I’m pretty excited n curious if my hormones will let me drop this weight! !!
I’ve been reading about my pcos, etc my main concern is the insulin resistance.  I have been prepping for this hgc process etc. And I’m pretty stoked, ok either way. If I get thru it it’s a big plus! My body really needs this.

my story for this march madness

let’s say once upon a time there was this quirky hip Hispanic girl who went onto online dating… again, bcuz she was not going to quit on finding the real deal. the guy who made her laugh and took her places and wanted to show her off. but especially just wanted to be loved and wanted to love her.  her name is Dia, she’s only 40sumthing, and looks 30 something, really! and she meets this guy who is a traveler whom happens to be single, with hazel eyes and a stunning smile and lips that can’t stop wanting to kiss hers. while getting to know her, he reaches over and touches her hands and they click, it’s like thunderbolts and lil pixie stars seem to  surround mr. funny quirky follower guy.  he just happens to work for a law firm that helps people but wants to recruit  her from a non conflict of interest way, yayt!!!  they want her to travel and kind of spy but be an investigator and allow her gift of ppl disclosing secrets to her come to the best use. to help humanity and this way she feels useful and like she’s living her life for the best of all intended.   so the fork ran away with the spoon the end.

oh btw, she ends up leaving her not so fun workplace by simply saying, hey I gotta see about a guy, good luck and farewell and stay positive,bcuz im positive I am one the luckiest woman alive right now the end!

my void of wanting

ever since I was little I was taught to read and felt a great longing of immersion in the lil stories that fell on my lap… little did I know that these lil stories would work wonders in my strange world as a minor in the family of 5… soon to be 4. in Aug 18, 1979 we took to the new world knowing a new start from jealousy, hate and most of all unconditional love from the aunt I knew to be my mother figure. if only at age 7, I could pay attention to her decorum and true lovespell… somehow, between all the Hispanic drama I lived amongst, I learned that there were many many languages to learn and someday i would grow up and still get what I want… for that is what being a baby in my family was: getting what I wanted! yea! right? not really, not right now… I have crawled, walked, fallen enough to wonder… what is it that I want?? well, I want not to fall and if I do, I want to be caught by the one that is ready to catch my fall… one would think that the title of this should be catch my fall… really? a Billy Idol title song??? nooooo…. lol
so, why the void? I went thru quite a bit of freedom, leisure and fun. I went thru the best relationship ever, so I thought… I looked around and my gut was telling me: hey this was a fun ride, ok get off!!! the life, elixir vanished so quickly! the reason for love… gone. hence the void… the reason…
I guess now I look back and just wanted to hear those words that would have made me feel like I really mattered…
I wouldn’t want to be in a world where you are not… or something meaningful…
so, in the world of love in my surrounding, there were signs and no explinations of which/what was real love… just discipline and things that happened in the bedroom…
subliminally, sex somehow became love. by this time, I’m about 15… truly wanting to click and have a real teenage life, btw I’m also watching pretty in pink, 16 candles…etc
so, when im having sex… it’s pretty much a guessing game… usually I can guess that the guy may not call back.
and if he does… I don’t want him to. he has not shown promise to fulfill my void!

my happy place

anywhere in the middle of nature…  the beach amongst rocks with the surf spraying lightly and glistening from the sunkisses 🙂

the mountains are another get away, where I used to live in cali… it was up above san berdu,  it was beautiful! places to hike and adore the gorgeous lil streams of water after a light snowfall…  I had such beautiful memories of the drive in those mountains misted with so many oversized pine trees and curvy hidden roads… sigh!! 

the more simple the better :))  I totally dig it!

Write about me?

Ok so yes I need to write about me and why I’m solo distant from my mom… it’s like I cannot stand her wanting to be like me then she acts like the victim … God help me plz… I love MY life. I need to move on and free from her curse. It’s hers not mine. I need to talk to my cosmic. Forces. Now…

my tribe

 since Mer spoke about how we are all raised in ways where some move onto a new tribe, we have seen those changes and my story now is about that move.  I have moved onto a new family that is giving and happy and yes, maybe a little dramatic… very little, and very loving.

the good thing is that I do have sent love and light to those who are needy and selfish.

I now get to explain to my mum where and how my sister is not in my life anymore…  I am wishing the best for her and her old age.  she is taking from others and I will leave her be.  Namaste with love and light.  thankful for the doors that are opening!

 

promettimi che …

promettimi che non smetterai di sognare! promise me you’ll never stop dreaming!

watching the under the Tuscan sun, there were things that diane lane wished for after her divorce was, a family, a wedding, and love… by the end of the movie she had her bff come stay with her with a new baby, her house workers were polish and they adopted her, the youngest got married and lastly, the  cute guy who she reviewed came to see her and fall in love with her…

the meaning overall is that she wished big it seemed…
she was a great writer.

just like Liz in that movie which was set in india, coincidently, liz started out in Rome… like a strong Cleopatra getting over her lover.  She wrote passionately and smart about the meaning of roots and ruin in her detailed relationships…. or her life. 

I hope to find my passion with the languages and healing like I was meant to do and finish  in my past. Namaste!

generic day

revisited my past diet features today…

I was thinking about when I was 15, 16… and I think I was about 150lbs. my babysitting monies went to diet pills and make up! some clothes… until I discovered cigarettes… then I dropped some weight. I remember dropping a lot more because of heart aches  etc…

so, today I want to accomplish the removal of the food trigger once and for all!  I have visited many sites with details about  by the time I moved to vegas, I was in decent shape!   I smoked a lil, but not much.   all I know is that I went downhill…

20 yrs later!! I have to get back uphill…

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